YOU - A WINNER?

By

Leigh Travis, Ph.D.

You have undoubtedly heard that if you're a man and want to gain custody of your children, all doors are closed to you and you might as well give up and switch to bachelorhood rather than fight. You've heard or know that the odds against you winning are about 10 to 1, that men lose in over 90% of all contested custody cases, and you may figure that the odds aren't worth the fight.

The odds are against you, but for a few reasons that may surprise you.

REASON #1: There isn't a Law School in any State that has ever required its students to take courses in Domestic Law or Clinical or Developmental Psychology. There are no courses offered in Clinical or Developmental Psychology (what mental illness is, how children grow mentally and emotionally); a course in Domestic Law is optional. Generally speaking, law students avoid what courses there are (usually one or two) because domestic law, they are told, is "messy," men who lose don't pay, women have an "instinct" for nurturing that men lack, and so on.

Hence, when the student graduates as a doctor of law (J.D.) he/she knows little or nothing about Domestic Law. Of course, he/she knows zero about Clinical or Developmental Psychology.

REASON #2: Freshly graduated law students, degree in hand, often suddenly find that some 60% or so of their bread-and-butter monies come from divorce/custody cases. The same is true of older, more experienced attorneys. Reason #1 applies to both new and old attorneys. They, like you, hear about the statistics against men winning, figure a man will lose, take his money, put on a good show (sometimes a very genuine and convincing show), lose, and contribute to the statistics demonstrating how impossible it is for a man to win a custody suit.

Hence, the statistics are by and large the result of two blind men - you and your attorney - fighting a war for enormous stakes (your future and that of your children) armed for battle with no knowledge of Domestic Law or Clinical or Developmental Psychology. The two of you might as well attempt to take on the Strategic Air Command with spitballs.

REASON #3: Judges are attorneys with robes on and, generally speaking, #'s 1 and 2, above, apply to Judges also. And there are two other factors to consider: most Judges are 50 to 60 years old, 20 to 30 years older than most litigants, and Judges make approximately $90,000 per year, or approximately $60,000 more per year than most litigants.

Hence, there is (a) a generation gap between the Judge and you, and (b), an economic gap as well. Don't expect your Judge to share your values or empathize with your finances.

REASON #4: The language of the Law looks and sounds like English, but it ain't. Some Dictionaries provide definitions of words that include brief legal meanings, but do not rely on Webster's to explain words appearing in your legal papers. What you mean by "reasonable visitation" and what your papers mean by "reasonable visitation" are most likely NOT the same thing.

Hence, without constantly consulting a Law Dictionary you will not be able to understand what's happening to you, in or out of court. The language of the Law is just that - a separate language unto itself.

REASON #5: We live in an adolescently sexist culture that believes in and acts upon its own myths, despite the fact that there is little, or no, evidence for these myths. For example, there's not one shred of evidence that because of some biological magic gene women are better caretakers than man (as a matter of fact, the odds are about 7 to 1 that if there's an abused child a woman is doing the abusing), but Judges and attorneys don't know, generally speaking, that these myths are myths - remember, they have no training in Clinical Psychology or Developmental Psychology.

So, there are five reasons behind the statistics you've heard about. Does this mean you should give up?

NO!

You CAN win, if (1) you have an attorney who knows Domestic Law, Clinical and Developmental Psychology (or have an attorney who works with a good psychologist and, preferably both); (2) you carefully prepare the facts of your case (without preparation you are most certainly going to lose); (3) you and your attorney learn how to present your case to the Judge so that the Judge understands clearly what your grounds for custody are and that you are a financially sound person; (4) you learn the language of the Law and/or work with an attorney or paralegal or experienced and highly literature men's rights leader, who will take the time to explain the language to you, step-by-step; and (5) you learn to accept and understand the realities of life as American women perceive and experience them. Sexism produces radically different ways of looking at things - VERY different indeed. The wise warrior studies his opponents assets (and liabilities) in great detail: so should you.

It IS possible for you and your wife to part friends, and continue to share in the parenting of your children.

It IS possible for you to lean how to handle your own case ("in pro per") and get pretty much what you want.

It IS possible for you to achieve a reasonable and equitable division of property and (if you lose) visitation and child support agreements that you can live with.

It IS possible for you to not only survive this period of your life, but to learn tremendously from it and emerge a better, stronger father and human being.

Perhaps most importantly, please understand that you are not a freak: there are some 20 million divorced men out there with you. They survived. Some of them won custody - or joint custody - of their children.

So can you!